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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 5:02 pm 
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WORLD'S SMALLEST EVER AUDIENCE

The world's smallest ever audience at a comedy gig was a mr John Leach (bn 1974, Tooting) who attended the Comedy Dead End in Soho, London on the evening of April 5th, 2004.

Mr Leach is a dwarf who has had both arms and legs amputated and is, in fact, categorised by the Government as one half of a person. The promotor, a Mr Judas Phin Cohen was quite happy for the gig to go ahead.

Mr Leach attempted to leave half way through the gig but was prevented by Mr Cohen, who shouted; stay where you are you stumpy little f*ck! Mr Leach eventually managed to escape by chewing off his own torso and throwing his head out of a window.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 5:08 pm 
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Robin Cousins wrote:
Mr Judas Phin Cohen

Now who on earth could that possibly be referring to?

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 3:57 pm 
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MORE!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:08 pm 
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Laziest and shortest reply to a 'more' posting on a forum...

Spudfish, 7.07pm on Saturday 30th August, 2008 - his reply =


Quote:
!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:45 am 
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Nick P wrote:
Most Hostile Crowd

As part of its rehabilitation program, Belmarsh Prison decided to host a series of entertainments. Undeterred by what became known as the ‘Bolshoi Ballet Unpleasantness’, they ploughed ahead with their inaugural ‘Belmarsh Chuckle Club’ night, a mere two days after the hunger-strike induced riot. The fire that broke out during the riot wiped out the prison’s medical supplies, but the comics were assured that the psychotropic drugs necessary for the inmates mental wellbeing were due to arrive tomorrow.

Mindful of the safety of the performers, the armed guards lined the back of the stage. Dazzled by the bright lights, they thought it best to have the most dangerous inmates in the front row, where they could see them.

The gig started late, as the guards had to beat unconscious one inmate ‘Old Timer’ for walking across the stage. The guards were keen not to show favouritism, and were not swayed by the fact that ‘Old Timer’ was well-loved amongst the prison population.

After three hours of sitting on wooden chairs in the unheated hall, the gig was underway.

The first act was a brave choice, deciding as he did to tackle the issues of his upper-class upbringing and open homosexuality through the medium of Edith Piaf songs. Twelve cans of CS spray later, the audience were ready for the next performer.

A rough & ready East End comic may have seemed the perfect way to calm the audience down. His opening monologue about how Ronnie Kray was a w*nker was, in retrospect, a bad idea.

The third act had, in the words of ‘Screaming Ray Pervert’, a “pretty mouth’. It is believed he still dwells within the bowels of the prison. This is ironic, as Screaming Ray frequently resides within his bowels.

Perhaps a female act could grab their attention. Not if the act is Lorraine Beer, a radical feminist act whose constant references to castration and the male hegemony went over their heads. As did she, via a plate-glass window.

The gig finally descended into chaos when the final comic, a drag act, reminded at least seventeen inmates of their mother. He is still registered missing.


Despite the debacle that was the first ‘Belmarsh Chuckle Club’, the prison switchboard was flooded the next day by 40 open-spots asking if they could do a five.


Weird

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2008/10/1 ... gh_crowd...

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:15 pm 
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Having the last post on every Chortle Forum
Comedians, Comedy, Chortle News, Chortle Gold,
Writing & Performing, Industry Noticeboard, Comedy You Made, Fringe Forum
Serious Topics, Chit-Chat, , Chortle

P_Million 1.15pm April 13th 2009


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 4:33 pm 
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This is brilliant stuff!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 4:35 am 
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Location: Birmingham
MOST ANNOYING ACT IN THE UK

The most annoying act in the UK was Morgan Lee (born Lee Andrew Morgan-Cole 9th April 1987 Accrington, Lancs, UK).

Since starting stand up in January 2007 Lee annoyed a total of 976 acts, promoters and punters by behaving as follows:

a) After his first gig (Manchester Gong Show - gonged off 1 minute 31 seconds) - Lee set himself up with a Facebook Fan Page with him as Creator - inviting 195 of his mainly northern-based bewildered virtual friends who may have been interested in knowing that he had a five minute open spot booked in North London in seven months time.

b) Trawling the Chortle Industry Notice Board on an hourly basis and then looking specifically for last minute drop out open spot availability - then phoning up anxious promoters and saying that although you cannot do the advertised gig in question...you can do subsequent shows.

c) Talking in an unnaturally loud voice around other acts namedropping
Headliners but by using their first name only;

Lee: "I was gigging with Steve the other night".

Other comic: "Steve Who?"

Lee "er..durr!!!....Steve Gribbin for f**k sake...he loved my new Star
Wars joke....."

d) Whilst on Facebook - using the chat function to contact other comedians
and promoters with the opening conversational gambit: "I NEED GIGS!"

e) When struggling during a gig - reminding the paying audience that he
was "not getting paid" and trying to win them over by saying that the
venue / town is 'a shithole'. Also pointing out to the "keen to laugh"
audience that his bland material "worked the other night".

f) Talking in derogatory terms about certain promoters - questioning their
organisational and budget management skills, saying that he would
never do a gig for them - then appearing on the bill in the middle
section at the next show.

g) Making disparaging remarks about other acts - justifying they are
not speaking bad of them by starting the sentence with "Don't get me
wrong they are a good act" followed by ten minutes of vitriolic bile and
then suffixing the story with "bless him"....

h) Adding positive comments under a false name to their own Chortle
review and the comics section of the Forums. "great stage presence,
one to look out for, great Star Wars gag...."

i) Constantly mis-applying for spots with promoters
"Yes Lynsey, I can do 40 minutes at the Walnut Tree for you"

j) Telling other acts and posting on twitter that they "stormed it".

k) Approaching the headline act 90 seconds before they are due on stage
and asking for feedback on his act.

Unfortunately the comedy world did not work out for Lee and he soon retired with immeidate effect. After an open-spot at the Laughing Horse in Soho - Lee was overheard criticising the stage presence, material and even the physical appearance of fellow comedian Abigail Connelly by her boyfriend Meathead McGinty. On leaving the gig McGinty attacked Lee, beating him about the face and body which resulted in Lee lying unconcious on a stained floor outside a Halal Kebab House with dried blood on his shirt and vomit in the turn-ups of his trousers. Back home in Blackburn, there is no doubt that Lee would have been immediately attended to by compassionate Lancastrians - but the unfriendly backstreets of W1F, disinterested tourists assumed he was homeless.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 11:24 am 
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Well worth waiting 4 years for! Nice one Ryan.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:18 pm 
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More of these please! I wonder who Ryan's been subjected to recently that's made him want to resurrect this brilliant thread though

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 Post subject: comedy gold
PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:25 pm 
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Posts: 36
Location: LONDON
Reding this thread is the most fun I have had in a library since the summer of 76


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