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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 4:23 am 
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THE WORLDS MOST NEGATIVE CHORTLE POSTER

The worlds most negative Chortle Poster is Richard Parsons
(b January 31st 1977, Finchley) of Weybridge, Surrey.

Since registering as "Laughterking" in August 2001, Parsons
has placed over 40954 posts (as of 22/1/03) amounting to 38.87 posts a day. A performance poet and open-spotter, Parsons spends an average of fourteen hours thirty-seven minutes each day on Chortle - killing the majority of threads with a single monosyllabic posting.

He has alienated a total of three hundred and thirty nine punters, comedians and promoters and has been assaulted seventeen times, he was headbutted in the Up the Creek dressing room, pushed down the stairs of the Comedy Cavern, Bath and hit over the head with a Double Diamond ashtray at the Hyena Cafe, Newcastle. At stand-up 150 in Manchester in October, 108 of the comedians performing refused to acknowledge his presence in the bar and the London Coach
on the return journey sped off when he requested a toilet break at Sandbach services.

He dismissed Billy Connolly as "shit", and has used the word "hack" in 73% of his postings. He has registered under twenty-seven aliases and has posted poor reviews about every comedian on the circuit from Orny Adams to Phil Zimmerman.

Parsons gigs spasmodically and averages 2.3 gigs a year, he was "slow handclapped" off at a comedy tent at the Leicester Comedy Festival last year for turning on the crowd when they were not laughing . Despite being the middle class, public school educated son of a millionaire textile entrepreneur, Parsons working-class urban decay poems lack any real conviction.

"The newcomer has yet to realise his potential, limited stage
presence coupled with poor material guarantees Parsons a
place in the Beazer Homes League of Perforance Poets,
rather than the premier division" - Chortle.

Parsons is on a "three strikes and your out" policy with Chortle before they suspend his membership. He is confident he will get round this by simply registering under different names, but Chortle are currently investing in technology which will flag up anyone who posts in the Surrey area. Being cynical in attitude but certainly not a defeatist, Parsons plans to move in true Osama Bin Laden style, to different addresses in London and the Home Counties each day to avoid detection.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:31 pm 
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WORLD'S COLDEST GIG

In Jan 2003 PJ put on a gig in Brixton where he had the bright idea to have it performed in the marquee in the beer garden of a pub next to railway tracks.

Mike Belgrave and Rob Deb were curious as to how this would work as it was a rainy freezing cold Jan, but their fears were alleviated when they were told that there would be a machine that would blow hot air into the marquee.

On entering the marquee they noticed water everywhere which resulted in only a few lights being used but no amplifier as there was a health and safety risk which could be instrumental of electrocuting a poor open spotter.

It was then noticed that the machine that blew hot air into the room worked insofar as the blowing worked but the heating didn’t which resulted in freezing cold air blown into the tent.

All the performers wore hats, coats, gloves and scarves so as not to freeze through the gig. Rob Deb was floored by a heckle he couldn’t reply to as one freezing cold member of the audience stood up and said politely, “I think you’re all very good, but I have to go back inside I’ve got a really bad cold and it will only get worse if I stay here.”

Mike Belgrave was determined to not let the cold get the better of him and would have done a storming set if the trains going by every few minutes hadn’t drowned out half of his performance.

EVERY WORD OF THIS IS TRUE…

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2004 8:07 pm 
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This is one of the funniest Chortle threads ever, so just thought I'd get it back to the top for the benefit of anyone who's not read it yet.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 11:28 am 
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THE WORLDS MOST COWARDLY GIG PULL

The world's most cowardly gig pull was performed by Mike French (b 4th May 1973, Christchurch, New Zealand) an established comedy circuit act with a notorious history of cancelling gigs through "illness" and "personal problems" The truth was usually more simple than that (He was often offered £10 more to perform at different clubs on the night of the gig).

Completely self-managed as every agent in the comedy industry refused to represent him, French was booked to play
The Laughter King Comedy Club in Grantham on 23rd December 2001. French, a circuit name and a regular on TV shows such as "Never mind the buzzcocks" and "Have I got news for you" certainly was a 'draw' and swelled the crowd size. The 300-strong crowd had each paid £25 each for a three course meal and to see "Mike French Live ", the sleepy Lincolnshire town has seldom seen such a big name in comedy perform there since Dustin Gee in 1978, past residents of Grantham included Beverley Allitt and Margaret Thatcher - so they could clearly do with a laugh. Having been booked for the show since Novermber 2000, French's gig was the talk of Grantham for the twelve months leading up to the night and had sold out in May of that year.

On finalising details with the promoter, John Booth, French agreed to arrive in Grantham early evening for a sound check, but called Booth at 5pm to say that he had missed the train and woud arrive in Grantham at 8.30. In the meantime, the large crowd of "works do's" and had taken their seats in the eaterie and were at the bread-rolls and "rapport-build with the people who work in a different department to me who I can't be arsed to talk to all year round" stage.

At 8:45 pm, Booth was starting to sweat profusely as he had despatched a glass collector to the railway station to collect French who was'nt on the train from Euston. Calls to French rang out for five rings before switching over to voicemail. French had 78 missed calls on his mobile in the next twenty minutes. Further calls just diverted straight to voicemail, indicating that French was either travelling through an area of poor signal, or more alarmingly, had switched his phone off.

The capacity crowd were now at the Christmas pudding and
"let's move to the next table as there is someone there I get on with and would like to chat to, rather than Sweaty Eric from Accounts who is sitting next to me and I have to have a mind-numbing conversation about purchase ledgers" stage. French was due onstage at 10:00 for a 75 minute set and was still nowhere to be seen. Booth, with a history of Angina had now un-done his bow-tie and was drinking large amounts of Glenfiddich in the dressing room. He was met with a negative response from the eager and semi-intoxicated crowd when he walked onto the stage at 9:45 pm to untruthfully say that French was "on his way".

On arriving back to the dressing room area, Booth heard his phone beep with a text message alert, it was from French. An excited Booth was eager to read it as it was his first communication from French since 5pm that day.

The message from French said "SORRY CANT MAKE IT M8, I HAVE A HEADACHE, HAVE A GOOD UN : - ) "

When Booth frantically tried to phone French back, he was met with the message "THE PHONE MAY BE SWITCHED OFF, PLEASE TRY LATER". French had purposely deactivated his voicemail facility to avoid communication from Booth.

By this time the crowd outside were chanting French's name along with stamping their feet on the wooden floors and banging cutlery on the tables, they had paid good money to see French as this was their annual night out - and they wanted to be entertained. Booth sheepishly walked to the microphone and reluctantly told the eager crowd that French was unable to make it. This resulted in a barrage of physical and verbal abuse, twenty-eight fish knives, fourteen cake slices, two empty bottles of champagne and a tin opener from a Christmas cracker flew through the air towards the stage
hitting Booth. A local warehouseman, Harry Green (b 17th March 1961, Grantham, Lincs) mounted the stage and subsequently headbutted Booth after requesting his money back. Booth needed first aid treatment and an overnight stay for Head injuries and concussion in Grantham Royal Infirmiary, there were 123 arrests thereater when the drunken crowd started fighting each other and all police annual leave in Grantham was cancelled over Christmas as irate officers were brought in over the holidays to deal with the biggest mass arrest for affray, actual bodily harm, grevious bodily arm, wounding with intent and attempted murder that Grantham had ever seen.

Booth's career as Comedy Promoter was short-lived, his house on Kesteven Road, Grantham was spraypainted with the words
"C**t", "knob" and "wankshaft" over the next six months - his friends of many years completely ignored him in the street, every shop, supermarket and public house in Grantham refused to serve him which often resulted in him making a forty mile round trip each day to buy a newspaper from a neighbouring town.

The Grantham episode has certainly done nothing to ruin French's career. He activated his voicemail again three days later but from then on refused to answer a call on his mobile with a "witheld number".

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 12:31 pm 
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Have I mentioned that Ryan is headlining the opening night of Leicester Funhouse tomorrow? Clearly a man in top comedic form right now.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 12:34 pm 
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spikymike wrote:
Clearly a man in top comedic form right now.

Clearly you wasn't at Mirth Control in Torquay last night then :-)

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 12:41 pm 
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Excellent mate! Hope there's more to come!

You did well last night ( always sounding fresh!) you warmed them up nice for me!

I'm still buzzing off bloody Red bull!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2004 12:58 pm 
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Ryan Gough wrote:
spikymike wrote:
Clearly a man in top comedic form right now.

Clearly you wasn't at Mirth Control in Torquay last night then :-)

I have to confess that that's a touch further than I'd ordinarily travel to watch you Ryan.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 12:05 pm 
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MOST AWKWARD SILENCE BETWEEN ACTS ON CAR JOURNEY

The most awkward silence between acts on a journey to a gig were Dave Hartley (b 9th September 1978, Sittingbourne, Kent) and Charlie Bilton (b 14th March 1974, Faversham, Kent)
which took place on the 18th February 2002 wen they were jointly booked for a gig at the Laughing Gas Comedy Club at Workington, Cumbria.

Previously best friends and joint promoters/founders of the Laugh-a-Minute Comedy Club in Folkestone, Kent - Hartley and Bilton's personal and professional relationship had turned sour months before and they seldom saw each other. But they had agreed,via an "open spot go-between" to share a lift to this gig.

There were many reasons for their fall-out and their friendship was beyond repair, this included

* Bilton appearing at The Grin Comedy Club in Darlington
and performing ,word for word, ten minutes of Hartley's best
material and routines - the week before Hartley was booked
to perform there. The week later, Hartley was wrongly booed off the stage five minutes into his twenty minute act from the regular audience for "nicking material". The promoter refused to pay Bilton and he subsequently spent thirty-six hours hitch-hiking home, contracting hypothermia on the way and spending two days in the Addenbrookes Hospital, Cambridge.

* Hartley operating the door at their Comedy Club whilst Bilton compered. Hartley mis-calculating the paying punters and telling Bilton after that "he let a lot of punters in at half price - to bring in the numbers". In the twenty-four shows that Hartley and Bilton put on, Hartley generated a further £763 in revenue for himself without Bilton's knowledge.

* Hartley's constant bitching an badmouthing of Bilton on the
comedy circuit when Bilton wasn't there - saying that Bilton ventured into comedy after being released from prison for
downloading erotic images of animals.

* Bilton's infatuation with Hartley's girlfriend, Lindsey. Bilton told Lindsey that Hartley had slept with a comedy groupie called Emma at a gig in Cardiff. This was competely untrue as
Lindsey was the love of Hartley's life and he was a strong believer in a monogamy. He often bought Lindsey a gift from each town he played at "Cadbury's Chocolate" from Birmingham, "Walkers Crisps" from Leicester, a "Ginsters Steak and Mushroom Slice" from Plymouth - usually purchased from Motorway Service Stations on the way home. Even though they had been in a relationship for seven years, Lindsey refused to believe Hartleys denial of this night of illicit nookie and ended the relationship with immediate effect. Hartley was heartbroken and took two months off performing whilst he arranged the sale of his and Lindsey's flat in Folkestone.
Bilton was a comfort to both Hartley and Lindsey. With Hartley he told him that he would keep the monthly comedy night running and with Lindsey he took her for a "TWO-FOR-ONE" at the local Harvester, lended her a sympathetic ear and shagged her that night on the top level of a NCP Car Park.

The journey from Kent to Cumbria and back was over eight-hundred miles in length. Bilton and Hartley were joined on the outing by a young open spotter, Neil Preston (b 31st January 1982, Maidstone, Kent) who was performing his sixth gig and was sharing a lift there but not on the return journey as he was travelling on to Scotland. Bilton and Hartley refused to say anything to each other on the long journey northbound, and when the Radio in Bilton's 1986 Toyota Corrolla stoppped working whilst on the M25, this made the journey even more painful. Preston did try a total of 184 times using open questions" to make conversation with them both but was met with one-word answers by his mentors. Hartley, the front-seat passenger in Bilton's car refused to turn his head right for seven hours - and this resulted in a cricked neck for the three days after.

With Bilton opening, Hartley closing and Preston in the middle after the joke competition, the show started at 9pm. Bilton failed to get a single laugh from any of the 150-strong crowd, nerves got the better of him and he started sweating, his hands started shaking and the nerves seriously affected the delivery of his jokes. The audience had now stopped heckling completely and were talking amongst themselves - It was probably the worst night of Bilton's career as he left the stage to the sound of his own footsteps. Hartley was seen smirking at the bar during the interval. After newbie Preston's credible and well received open spot performance, Hartley took to the stage and grabbed the crowd with an opening improvised routine about Bilton. Hartley then did the performance of his life, completely ripping the roof of the gig and rightfully earning three encores. Hartley was mobbed by his new "fans" in the lobby after whilst Bilton went outside for a fag. The journey home involved Hartley reclining his seat and smirking and Bilton staring ahead and falling asleep three times at the wheel. The only words exchanged between them on this journey was on their return to Kent at 6am when Bilton murmered "It's £40 petrol money you owe" which equated to 0.31 words per hour spoken.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 12:33 pm 
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Arise Sir Gough, you are a true star and I salute you.
Though it’s an oft-used term, this thread really is pure comedy gold.
Like I told you after the Leicester gig the other night, there’s a rosy future for you in scriptwriting, should you choose to pursue it.
Though you are a very funny man on stage, if you could replicate this level of humour live, you’d be my favourite comic. By far. (sorry, but in case you’re wondering, that lofty position is not currently held by you, Mr Spiky Mike!)

You know the real shame though? All this is only really funny to the denizens of our strange little world. No matter how many times I read it, I can’t get through a single page without laughing out loud… well alright then, pissing me sen! Then I show it to a couple of friends and what happens? Silence, that’s what – bloody Philistines!
Thank you, thank you, and thrice thank you Mr G.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 2:56 pm 
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Brilliant!

I had the honour of being there when this last one was born.

He was actually gonna try out an awkward silence with me as it was my first time I'd ever travelled with a fellow comedian.
But thankfully he didn't and we had a great chatty journey to Torquay.

Keep 'em coming!

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 8:30 pm 
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dood, seriously...write a book.

it's the way to go. fuck stand-up. It's just pasties and pocket money.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:51 pm 
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danny james wrote:
fuck stand-up. It's just pasties

That explains Ryan's sizeable frame.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2004 5:37 am 
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Largest Simultaneous Whoopee Cushion Sit

A total of 1,372 people sat on whoopee cushions simultaneously at the Gala opening of the 2003 Brighton Comedy Festival on October 10, 2003, at the Brighton Dome, Brighton, East Sussex, UK.

Fact! Who was there?


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2004 2:13 am 
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LEAST TOPICAL REFERENCE GAG

The world's most untopical and badly engaged gag was said by Jason Harper (b 17th May 1970, Chesterfield, Derbyshire) , whilst performing an open spot at the Loughborough University Students Union on 9th March 2004.

Performing to a crowd of three hundred eighteen year old students, Harper decided to open his routine with a reference to The Shamen bassist Will Sinnott, who drowned in a swimming accident in Spain in 1991:

"....'I could move-move-move any mountain!'.....yeah Will...but you can't swim can ya ????!!!!"

Bearing in mind the entire audience had an average age of five when Sinnott died, the gag was met with stony silence and a collective look of bewilderment across the whole seating area. The gig was being recorded and phrases such as
"What the fuck?", "Who is Will Sinnott?" and "I don't get it" was picked up on the recording equipment. In fact the sound equipment only picked up one solitary chuckle, from Bonzo, the thirty-three year old neanderthal security guard.

Always the optimist, Harper ploughed through his five minute routine with references to Johnny Hates Jazz's dress sense,
Razamattaz and "how he would like to shag the lead singer of 'Swing out Sister' - "She could 'breakout' of my bedroom anytime etc....".

It wasn't the first time that Harper had not enaged his audience, his previous gigs included a twenty minute routine on "underground hip hop" at St Mary's Retired Persons Home in St Albans, a non-knob gag intellectal routine at Jongleurs Battersea and an observational monologue about the monotomy of petrol stations for the Sark Residents Association annual ball.

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Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



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