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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 12:02 pm 
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MOST UNWELCOMING AUDIENCE

The most unwelcoming audience in the world was Hogan's Bar, Hinckley Road, Leicester. On 3rd February 2003, the landlord Mr Daniel McKernan arranged through Ship-of-fools
Comedy promoters a "no entrance fee" comedy show for his regulars and also to celebrate that eighteen of his loyal customers had been acquitted that day for grevious bodily harm, affray and public order offences at various East Midlands football grounds over the previous seven years.

Because of a lack of a Public Address System and a staging area, McKernan made four comedians perform acapella for twenty minutes each adjacent to the bar area using their "louder voice" for amplification. McKernan also thought
that it would benefit the acts by performing in front of a huge 84 inch TV wall-mounted screen, using it as a backdrop.

At 7:45 pm, McKernan switched on the television and maximised the volume as Leicester City versus Nottingham Forest was just about to kick off at the City Ground, Nottingham. The comedian performing a performance poetry reading at the time on Ironic Shakespeare was pelted with
Stella Bottles, Double Diamond Ashtrays, and a tungsten tip dart punctured his right eyeball. He was admitted to Leicester Royal Infirmiary and released the following day.

McKernan compered the evening from behind the bar and instead of warming the crowd up, he introduced them as "this is a c**t who calls himself a comedian, I am paying him £80 for twenty minutes work, that's nearly more than I get for two weeks signing on. I will let you boys be the judge of whether he is funny or not......"

Another comedian on the stage was told to "f**k off as the football was on" and when Leicester subsequently took the lead, he was given the bumps thirty-two times by the shaven headed neanderthals before his removal from the premises via the Lounge Bar window.

All four comedians sexuality was questioned by the regulars during half-time as they were in "showbusiness" and "everyone on the stage is bent". They were later persuaded to forfeit their £80 fees by the regulars and the £320 was placed behind the bar for the regulars benefit. All four comedians subsequently retired from comedy immediately. One comedian divorced his wife and lost his home and he became a penniless alcoholic, two ventured into the more appreciative world of Amateur Dramatics and the Performance Poets decomposing torso was found in the River Trent three weeks later.

The cruel irony was that the fine people of Hogans that night were interested in a night of comedy, this was proven when McKernan later said that "Bruno", a local union-jack tattooed, fake-burberry baseball capped football hooligan made the whole pub cry with laughter after the match with a forty minute routine of jokes about people from the Asian sub-continent

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 3:12 pm 
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Ryan, I love you.

Rich

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 8:44 pm 
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Can I just remind all Chortlers that none of this is true.

The reason being that I have received three PM's this afternoon from eager comics asking who books the
Islington gig. :-)

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 8:52 pm 
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Now this thread answers Robins big question " Should comedy be about telling the truth?"

Ryan Pure gold mate! Funny as fuck! [biggrin]


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 8:57 pm 
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Ryan Gough wrote:
Can I just remind all Chortlers that none of this is true.

The reason being that I have received three PM's this afternoon from eager comics asking who books the
Islington gig. :-)

Ha,ha,ha!

This just tops it all off superbly!

Very, very funny Mr Gough, I thank you.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 9:56 pm 
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THE WORLD'S BITTEREST OPEN SPOT

The world's most bitterest open spot is Neale Graham (born
23rd April 1971, Watford, Herts) of Clapham, London, SW4.

In his thirteen year open mike career, Graham has amounted
5498 gigs (as of 17th Jan 2004) and performed at over 1600
London Comedy Clubs. His continual bouts of negativity have become legendary in the annals of London Comedy Folklore.
This has included:

*REFUSAL TO TALK TO ANY NEW ACT WHO HAS PERFORMED
LESS GIGS THAN HIM.

*COMPLAINING BY E-MAIL AND TELEPHONE CALL TO THE "SO
YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY" HELPLINE FORTY SEVEN TIMES
SAYING THAT ALL THE WINNERS ARE NOT "NEW ACTS".

*FLIES INTO A CONSTANT JEALOUS RAGE AND HAS BEEN
ARRESTED, CHARGED AND SUBSEQUENTLY JAILED FOR TWO
AND A HALF YEARS AFTER HEADBUTTING HIS OWN MOTHER
WHEN SHE COMMENTED THAT SHE LIKED JIMMY CARR.

*THREW HIS MICROPHONE STAND OVER A GROUP OF
JAPANESE TOURISTS IN 1994 AT A LEICESTER SQUARE
COMEDY VENUE AFTER THEY DIDNT LAUGH AT HIS
LEONARD ROSSITER IMPRESSION.

Graham, who still works in Camden Council's Housing Department has been subject to various discipliniary hearings
through his employers for gross misconduct. Mainly comedy related he has a split personality where he has a tendancy to
be violent to any of his work colleagues when the phrase "Comedy Store Gong Show" is mentioned.

Graham can often be spotted seven nights a week at an array of London new act venues bitching at the back of the room about whoever is on the stage at the time. In the past thirteen years he has collectively said the phrases, "Is this comedy?", "This is nothing new", "Tony Allen was doing that better ten years ago" and "it is not the act, it is the audience who are c***s for laughing at such shit!" a total of 2732 times.

Graham hasn't done himself any favours with his eccentric behaviour and his gigs are now becoming less and less commonplace. He turned down a gig in 2001 in Barnet because he said that "it was in the wrong zone and too far out of London".

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Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 11:11 am 
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THE WORLDS MOST INCOMPETENT PROMOTER

The worlds most incompetent promoter is Adrian Payne
(b 23rd December 1964, Nuneaton, Warwickshire) of Coventry, West Midlands.

On April 23rd 2002 and to celebrate with St Georges Day, Payne booked seven comedians of all ethnic backgrounds to perform at the Union Jack Excalibur Club at Eltham, South East London. Promoting the show as "An evening of mirth and multi-cultural diversity" it failed to sell a single ticket. Sadly the show never got underway, the Metropolitan Police appeared in the dressing room twenty minutes before the show started saying that Payne had received seven death threats from the front bar.

Alternative entertainment was arranged by way of cockney funster Jim "Nick-Nick" Davidson who doubled up with his sell out show at the London Palladium, Sun columnist and Club member Gary Bushell also took to the stage and closed the show as celebrity raconteur, talking about British Values, "You can give me a Shepherds Pie over a Chicken Tikka Massalla anytime!" , "Give me a big-titted bird over an intellectual one anyday!" and "Asylum seekers ought to all be shipped back on the same boat to wherever they came from....I know you couldnt fit them all on the same boat but you could cremated!"... he recieved a standing ovation and a St Georges Cross Sovereign ring as a token of thanks from the satisfied crowd

Meanwhile Payne not only refused to pay his acts (three of which had travelled down from Newcastle-on-Tyne) using the excuses "I laid out all my cash on promoting it", "It has been a bad month for the industry" and "It is all stagetime, it shouldn't be about money", he also head the temerity to ask them if they could "flyer" for two hours in the West End for his next show - "Sinn-dig Fein - Republican comedy at its best" - which was going ahead at The Billy Boy Orange Club in East London two weeks later.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 3:40 pm 
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Have you got any video or audio clips Ryan?

I'd be happy to put them on my site if they're on a par with this level of nonsense...

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 3:44 pm 
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???

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 3:46 pm 
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Ryan Gough wrote:
???

What does that mean?

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 4:54 pm 
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THE WORLDS LONGEST OVER-COMPERING ROUTINE

The world record for the longest over-compering routine was performed by Timothy Heatherington (b 18th January 1959, Worthing, West Sussex).

On the 23rd July 1989, Heatherington was booked to MC the new acts night Downstairs at The Kings Head, a legendary showcase for new talent in Crouch End, London N8. With the show scheduled to start at 8:30 and with twenty-one new acts ready to perform a total of five minutes each, Heatherington spent the first one hour ten minutes of the show asking every single one of the 120 comedy-goers where they were from and what they did for a living. He used the
phrase "...I am here to make the other acts look good" twelve times and shouted "It is your own time you are wasting...." to a group of student teachers twenty two times.

Heatherington called an interval without the first act even performing and chose to preview his entire 60 minute Edinburgh show threafter before the landlord called last orders.

After the interval, Heatherington organised a somewhat self-indulgent competition (see how many words you can make out of "Timothy Heatherington"), and then it was time for the acts to perform their set. Unfortunately due to time constraints the compere requested to the acts that they cut their sets short....to thirty seven seconds each!

One exciting young comic, Jimmy Gill, had travelled on a National Express coach from his home in Carlisle, Cumbria to do his first gig. His opening gag was met with a cheer and a hearty laugh from the now tiring crowd but his new career was ruined that night after Heatherington roared that he would badmouth his name across the british comedy circuit for overrunning by 0.85 seconds. Indeed his name was tarnished and he never performed again. From then on messages left on promoters answering machines for open spots were not returned and it was commonplace for him to receive at all hours of the night Dial-a-pizza's, Rubbish Skips and roly-poly kissagrams that he never requested at his two bedroomed flat on Juniper Avenue, Carlisle. Gill eventually emigrated to Tasmania after Cumbrian vigilantes spotted on several websites that he was allegedly a paedophile.

Two of the acts left without performing their routine as they had to catch the 03:35am bus and one of the acts was that bored he managed to saw his index finger off with a swiss army knife. The show finally finished with only four of the punters still there (the barman, the final acts girlfriend, a homeless person who sneaked in for free, and Heatherington's mother). The final act, Selwyn Morris and his girlfriend had spent all of their money on Amphetamines so they managed to catch a lift home to Kentish Town on the back of a milkfloat.

Professor Eugene Reynolds of Institute for Comedy Statistics in Chicago, Illinois closely monitored Heatheringtons shows via webcam from March 2001 to October 2003 and found him to over-compere by an amazing seven months and three days. (5181 hours). To put that in perspective, if Heatherington chose to grow a beard for the time he had spent on stage over-compering, the beard on the average man would grow to a length of 4.3 inches, that is two thirds of the length of beard worn by ZZ Top guitarists Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons in the "Gimme all your loving" video, or 1.5 times the length's of Brian Blessed in "Flash Gordon" when he shouts "GORDONS ALIVE!!!!"

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 8:57 pm 
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Cracking thread Mr Gough,

There's an idea for a book, or at least a hefty pamphlet, there.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2004 2:11 pm 
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More! More!

I'd like to know the record for the least justified encore and the most cliches used please

;-)

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 12:49 am 
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MOST CLICHES USED IN ROUTINE[B][/U]

The most cliches used by one comedian in a twenty minute routine was 185 and was performed by Steve Eden (b 17th February 1970, Harpenden, Hertfordshire) at Jongleurs, Camden on 18th July 2003.

In his opening twenty minute routine, Eden addressed a group of students by saying "What are you studying at University ?....obviously not fashion studies by the look of you...", "Good Morning...." (a reference to students being late risers) and "I was going to bring a copy of Richard and Judy on video to make you feel at home.....".

Many other audience members were used in his routine to help him achieve his record. When a vegetarian answered a question, Eden sharply retorted that it was surprising they had the energy to raise their hand, a librarian was told to "shush!" and Katie Roberts, a twenty-eight year old web designer from Highgate, opted for some mild heckling and was bitterly reminded by Eden that he was working and he didnt disturb her in her workplace by grabbing the cock from her mouth.

There were seven references to airline food and easyjet being "shit", four references to Jamie Oliver being a "twat" and a Friends Reunited monologue to close the routine.

More cliches occured during his routine, specifically the word Bush being both a reference to pubic hair and the US President.

He used fourteen "Star Wars" references, seven wank gags and suffixed his Grammar School joke with "...and that was just the teachers" followed by a David Beckham impression guaranteed him the award of the "JONGLEURS CLICHED COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR 2003"

Eden was pleased to receive the award and it was the pinnacle of his career. Interviewed at his West London home, he said that all of the comedy written comes from his own real life experiences. In fact that week whilst feeling sexually aroused he did masturbate on the 116 between Kings Cross and Hammersmith before getting off the bus.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2004 9:26 am 
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So I stabbed him.

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