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PostPosted: Thu Jan 15, 2004 11:01 pm 
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Location: Birmingham
Longest drive for Open Spot

The longest journey ever made for an open spot was
Ian McDiarmid of Bartley Green, Birmingham UK. On October 18th 2001, after performing a five minute open spot at Mirth Control, Torquay, McDiarmid drove overnight from Babbacombe Road, Torbay 586.7 miles to another comedy gig in Farrier Road, Aberdeen spending £118.37 on petrol and £32.71 on sundries consuming seven Ginsters Cheese and Onion Pasties, fourteen cans of Red Bull, eight pro-plus tablets and two packets of mint clorets along the way. McDiarmids journey northbound took him through fourteen counties and he was stopped five times by various constabularies through the night for 'weaving'. After performing at Laughs Comedy Club, Aberdeen, he received a sum of £5 to cover petrol, he embarked on his journey home, this resulted in him dropping off four comedians on the way. One in Glasgow, one in Leicester, one in Maidstone, Kent and the final act at his home in Plymouth, Devon. McDiarmid used three cans of Lynx deoderant and seven KFC clean-me tissues fo cleansing purposes. He returned home on the afternoon on Sunday 21st October and embarked on a seventeen hour sleep marathon. McDiarmid subsequently called in sick at Inland Revenue, Dudley for five days with nervous exhaustion.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 15, 2004 11:46 pm 
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Location: Wakefield, West Yorkshire
Fuckin' hell that's some going - SEVEN Ginsters pasties?????

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 12:12 am 
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Location: Birmingham
Longest wait for promoters call.

Ian McDiarmid of Bartley Green, Birmingham UK contacted Don Ward on May 13th 1979 to book himself for an open spot at The Comedy Store, Gargoyle Club, Dean St, Soho SW1V. After walking three and a half miles to the nearest unvandalised phone box, McDiarmid left a message on Ward's ansaphone and waited for reply. After four weeks and three days McDiarmid sent Ward a telegram, a letter and even used citizens band radio using the handle "comedygod" to contact him but to no avail. McDiarmid used the following twenty-three years two hundred and ninety-four days trying to contact Ward by letter, telephone, fax, e-mail and finally received a call by the Manchester Comedy Store on February 18th, 2003 giving him a gig at the monthly gong show - McDiarmid was gonged off after 2.3 seconds. During the time between McDiarmid requesting and getting a gig, we celebrated the birth of Michael Owen, Prince William and Britnay Spears and mourned the death of Princess Di, John Lennon and Leonid Breshnev. We had seen the Falklands war, the Miners strike and the fall of the Berlin wall. Ward was contacted by McDiarmid a mammouth 1862 times (once every 4.87 days). McDiarmid received forty-five injunctions from Wards lawyers, seventeen letters from the BT malicious calls bureau and a phone bill in 1989 of £1903.65.

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"Comedy....it's not all about making people laugh".
Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 1:36 am 
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Location: Essex.
Don't know who this McDiarmid guy is, but if he wants to get on in comedy he'll have to show a bit more dedication.
Sometimes you have to go out of your way a bit.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 2:21 pm 
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Location: Birmingham
WORST DEATH

The worst death in world comedy history was Steve Sherwood (b 1967) of Cradley Heath, West Midlands UK.
On the 18th of March 1999 Sherwood performed a one hour twenty minute routine at the Tipton and Dudley Working Mens Club. After the first seventeen seconds, six intoxicated hecklers shouted at him to "Get off the stage, you are shit"
After five minutes of routines centred around having sex with old people, the repatriation of asylum seekers and paedophillia, a forward thinking sound engineer pulled the plug on the P.A and this culminated in Sherwood stripping naked and putting his genitals in the face of Mrs Melanie O'Rourke, the mother of local crime figure - Micky "The Fist" O'Rourke of nearby Wolverhampton. After a gig which involved seven hundred and fifty three audible heckles, thirty four budweiser bottles and one hundred and thirty four skimmed beermats being thrown on the stage Sherwood left the building with a Police Escort. He was subsequently beaten about the face and body eleven days later in Dudley Town Centre which resulted in a seven week stay in Dudley Hospital's Intensive Care Unit.

Sherwood was monitored by the Professor Eugene Reynolds of
the Institute of Comedy Statistics in Chicago, Illinois and his odds for having a good gig were a monstrous 60,936,750-1.
In laymans terms if he performed three gigs a day on the London circuit every day of an average mans life, then he would have a decent gig once every 795 lifetimes.

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"Comedy....it's not all about making people laugh".
Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 3:13 pm 
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Location: 'Greater' Manchester
This is the greatest thread I have ever read.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 5:49 pm 
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Location: The Middle Lands
MOST UNDERWORKED CALL CENTRE MANAGER:

On the 15th of January 2004, a Mr Ryan Gough of Marston Green, Birmingham (0121), used valuable company time that he is paid a handsome wage for to clog up an otherwise constructive and supportive comedy forum by littering the board with disparaging and, frankly, unsubstantiated claims about the blind devotion to comedy that a certain I McDiarmud has undertaken since the mid to late 1970's. In the hustle and bustle of today's modern world it's easy to neglect the importance of having card protection to cover the individual against theft, redudancy or sheer bad luck. With managers of card protection companies pissing their employers time away, who are we to look to for guidance and reassurance in this rather sensitive field. Don't look towards Tamworth (01827), that's for sure.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 6:18 pm 
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Here's a question:
what is the least amount of open spots a new comedian has done before getting his or her first paid twenty?


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 7:37 pm 
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PsychoDave wrote:
Here's a question:
what is the least amount of open spots a new comedian has done before getting his or her first paid twenty?

I was offered a paid 10 after 5 gigs (although it was a last minute cancellation ie. they were desperate)!

Couldn't do it though unfortunately (probably fortunately for them).

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 9:51 pm 
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There was a guy from the Midlands called Steve Sherwood who did a few gigs in Bristol in 2002/3. Is this the same guy?

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 10:20 pm 
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Location: Birmingham
WORLDS MOST ANNOYING HECKLER

The world's most annoying heckler is Stuart Hall-Robertson
(b 17th June 1971,High Wycombe UK) of Chiswick London W4.

On 18th December 2000, at a Christmas party held by his company, Bond Wolfe and Co Chartered Accountants of Kensington, Hall-Robertson and seventeen of his colleagues arrived with free tickets at Jongleurs, Battersea. Not being to a comedy show before and when the show commenced at 9pm, Hall-Robertson called out insulting and abusive heckles for the next one hour and twenty seven minutes before his subsequent removal from the venue by Jongleurs Security

Despite being "put down" an average of 17.6 times by each act which included the 400 strong crowd to collectively tell him to "Fuck Off", Hall-Robertson got bored and proceeded to discuss the price of the drinks at the top of his voice in the front row with seven of his work colleagues for seven minutes.

Hall-Robertson's heckles included "Suck on this love" to a female comedian, "I could do better myself...." to the compere and chanting "WE ARE THE BOND WOLFE BOYS OI ! OI! " to the first act.

After his removal from the venue, Hall-Robertson found comfort in a nearby public house until returning to Jongleurs to meet his frends outside for a Kebab at 1:30am. Hall-Robertson, however did manage to gain access to Jongleurs again and made his way to the Artists dressing room where he did manage to talk to every act on the bill saying "I was only heckling to join in and help you out......"

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"Comedy....it's not all about making people laugh".
Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



www.myspace.com/ryancgough


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 1:55 am 
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Location: Birmingham
MOST TUBE REFERENCES BY COMEDIAN IN ONE ACT

On 23rd June 2002, new act Gary Bowers was recorded as having the most London Underground references in one routine and this was witnessed in a ten-minute new act competition as the Hope & Anchor, Islington, London N1.

His routine included thirty-eight references to the Tube. This amounts to one every 15 seconds and material covered such jokes as:

"Mill Hill.....Who lives there?...is it at the end of the earth?..."

"Chocolate Bar vending machines on tube station platforms - whats that all about then ?"

and

"Isn't it a pain in the arse when you buy a Zone 3 travelcard and then you want to go to a tube station in Zone 4!".

Bowers subsequently came fourth out of seven in the New Act night and completed a handful of gigs thereafter before his eventual retirement. Unfortunately his routine wasn't as well received at his following gigs at Aberystwyth University, Sunderland and an open spot tent at the Edinburgh Festival. He was met with awkward silences and blank stares from a bewildered audience.

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"Comedy....it's not all about making people laugh".
Ian McDiarmid 1957-2009



www.myspace.com/ryancgough


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 2:17 am 
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Location: Hampstead, North West London
The real Dan Smith wrote:
MOST UNDERWORKED CALL CENTRE MANAGER:

On the 15th of January 2004, a Mr Ryan Gough of Marston Green, Birmingham (0121), used valuable company time that he is paid a handsome wage for to clog up an otherwise constructive and supportive comedy forum

Which forum was that?

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 2:20 am 
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Location: Hampstead, North West London
Ryan Gough wrote:
WORLDS MOST ANNOYING HECKLER

The world's most annoying heckler is Stuart Hall-Robertson
(b 17th June 1971,High Wycombe UK) of Chiswick London W4.

You see what you get with a non-grammar school education.

Bloody toff.

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"... Sparky and assured in his delivery. Confident and punchy ..."
"... Like listening to a babbling tramp ..."
" ... An opinionated monkey. Without opinions ..."
" ... His shiny eyes of truth could transport me to a forbidden place ..."


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 10:46 am 
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Best.
Thread.
Ever.


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