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PostPosted: Mon Mar 15, 2004 2:43 pm 
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Least Topical Material 2

In my first gig I was doing a bit about GM crops (since dropped) and said "Sooner or later Half Man Half Biscuit will be a terrifying reality". I got one laugh from someone older than me and had to explain to the bewildered audience that HMHB were a popular beat combo where I come from...once upon a time...

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2004 3:08 pm 
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Keep up the good work Ryan. There's bound to be a Chortle Award for you next year.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2004 2:59 pm 
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Angriest Chortler.

Ava. Nuff said.
Fuming on-line since Sep. 12 2003 :-p

(cue angry replies)
Top reading tho Ryan..


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:43 pm 
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Are you ridiculing this comic [baaa]


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2004 12:14 am 
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Hope it's not rude to join in...

THE MOST POINTLESS GIG EVER

On September 14th, 2001, Mike Allan (b 1968, Tring) staged an 'All-Comers Welcome' gig at the Flat Earth Society club in Exmoor, Devon. The venue was 22.3 miles from the nearest public transport (a bus to Paignton that operated once a month) and was an average of 347.8 miles away from where the 19 open-mic acts that were booked actually lived.

The basement where the gig took place was only accessible by punching in a 15-digit code into the security pad that had last been serviced in 1974. Allan decided not to flyer the gig as a Dada-ist comment on the nature of fame. His refusal to acknowledge to prospective punters that the gig even existed was later put down to an undiagnosed strain of agoraphobia mixed with low self-esteem, Munchausen's Syndrome and being a fuckwit.

The bar was situated on an industrial estate that could only be reached by finding the 15-inch gap in the barbed-wire fencing that surrounded the complex.

Allan was unperturbed by the fact that only one act ("Bibby Fun", comedy gynaecologist b 1958, Pinner) turned up, and was clearly affected by his heavy use of psychotropic medicine.

As the electricity was down due to the turbulent storms that had ravaged the area for the last six weeks, the microphone was replaced by a piece of paper rolled into a cone. The aforementioned storm had also ensured that the bar had been clear of alcholic drinks for some time.

Allan compered the evening as, in his own words "It saves money and anyone can do it, eh?". His chronic stammer, cleft palate and tendency to insult everyone he ever met did not deter him. With the phrase "If this cunt comes near me again, I'll chin him" ringing in his ears, Bibby took to the stage. The stage being a milk crate nearest to the only lit candle in the venue.

Bibby managed to get 4.7 seconds into his act before the only member of the audience ('Tunk' b 1970, Torquay, local goat herder) decided that he had 'a lovely mouth' and forcibly took him to his Landrover.

Allan never attempted to arrange another comedy night, as his career in IT and his severe personality disorders took up most of his time.

Bibby Fun was found some six weeks later in an amusement arcade, in a severe state of disarray and answering only to the name of "Mother"

The venue was closed shortly after, as it was found to have been built on a plague pit.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 07, 2004 9:48 pm 
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Location: Finchley
mikebelgrave wrote:
WORLD'S COLDEST GIG

In Jan 2003 PJ put on a gig in Brixton where he had the bright idea to have it performed in the marquee in the beer garden of a pub next to railway tracks.

Mike Belgrave and Rob Deb were curious as to how this would work as it was a rainy freezing cold Jan, but their fears were alleviated when they were told that there would be a machine that would blow hot air into the marquee.

On entering the marquee they noticed water everywhere which resulted in only a few lights being used but no amplifier as there was a health and safety risk which could be instrumental of electrocuting a poor open spotter.

It was then noticed that the machine that blew hot air into the room worked insofar as the blowing worked but the heating didn’t which resulted in freezing cold air blown into the tent.

All the performers wore hats, coats, gloves and scarves so as not to freeze through the gig. Rob Deb was floored by a heckle he couldn’t reply to as one freezing cold member of the audience stood up and said politely, “I think you’re all very good, but I have to go back inside I’ve got a really bad cold and it will only get worse if I stay here.”

Mike Belgrave was determined to not let the cold get the better of him and would have done a storming set if the trains going by every few minutes hadn’t drowned out half of his performance.

EVERY WORD OF THIS IS TRUE…

Sorry Mike, your characters aren't as believable as Ryans

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 1:19 pm 
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Worst Overrunning Of A 5-Spot

On September 11th, 2003 Jason Walsh (B. 1982, Chipping Sodbury) smashed the previous record for completely refusing to leave the stage once his 5 minutes were up. It was an inauspicious start to his set. The room (The HahaTeeHeeHoHo Club, Soho) was full of American tourists, so Walsh’s opening gags about planes hitting buildings did not go down so well. Neither did the bulk of his material, which mainly championed paedophilia. The only recorded laugh (a whopping 12 decibels) was when Walsh trapped his finger in the mic stand. What follows is a chronology of his colossal achievement.

4 minutes 30 seconds: The compere Tony Melvyn (B. 1952, Wombwell) makes frantic throat-cutting gestures. Walsh counteracted this by refusing to look in Melvyn’s direction.

6 minutes: Melvyn starts walking around the back of the room trying to catch Walsh’s eye while making ‘time out’ gestures. Walsh starts to deliver his material with his eyes shut.

9 minutes: Melvyn switches off the PA. Walsh starts shouting at the rapidly diminishing audience.

15 minutes: Melvyn stands directly in front of Walsh. Walsh continues to deliver his routine to the one remaining punter (‘Dag’, a sleeping vagrant from Sunderland) over Melvyn’s shoulder.

21 minutes: Thinking that the mic may have some hypnotic hold on Walsh, Melvyn tries to wrestle it out of his hand. Walsh continues to talk while punching the middle aged Melvyn repeatedly with his free hand.

58 minutes: Walsh tries to engage the paramedics in some audience participation while they carry the unconscious Melvyn away on a stretcher. The question “So, what do you do for a living?” also garners Walsh the ‘3rd most pointless question asked by a comic’ award.

3 hours, 47 minutes: The Landlord of the pub drags Dag out of the room, telling Walsh ‘I’m locking up in 5 minutes son.’

15 hours, 31 minutes: A stunned landlord finds Walsh hiding under a table whispering his routine. It is evident he has been there all night.

15 hours, 31 minutes and four seconds: Walsh’s mammoth overrunning comes to an end when the landlord throws him out of the 1st-floor window. Eyewitnesses say that Walsh’s dying words were ‘Shit. I didn’t do my routine about wanking…’

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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2004 9:01 pm 
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Worlds Spawniest Open Spot

The worlds spawniest Open was Paul Turner (b 1976 Darlington). Turner, a IT Helpdesk call logger did his first open spot at The Kings Head, Crouch end on March 4th 2001. His observational humour on Star Trek,Serial Killers magazines, Star Wars and wanking into a sock attracted the attention of Jonathon Jacobs, head of programming for Channel 4.
Turner was subsequently offered to present the flagging Big Breakfast show and within 2 weeks increased viewing figures by 13%. This was partly due to the BBC and ITV simultaneously schedulling their Breakfast TV output to consist largely of religious and philosophical content.From the back of this success Turner created his own media company 'Geek Productions' which went on to both write and produce 'Maxims' a hugely popular sitcom on Channel 4. 'Maxims' was subsequently sold to the Fox Network for £13.4 million pounds.

Meanwhile, Turner was offered a presenting role Radio 1 Breakfast Show DJ and the presenter on prime time Stella and Tits fest, 'That Friday Thing' on E4.

The novel about a Space Warrior that Turner wrote 4 years previously and was rejected by all known publishers in the western world was subject to a bidding war between Minevera, Penguin and Chambers and was eventually purchased for £5 million - with the film rights eventally sold to Paramount for £14.5.

Despite still remaining 'true to his roots' and owning the same flat in Neasden before his open spot 4 months previously, Paul Turner now lives between his New York Loft and his Tuscan Villa (which he wrote off as a tax expense as he does most of his writing there). This is where he lives with his blonde, big-titted 18 year old Hollyoaks actress girlfriend.

Despite the broadmindedness of his peers, and the fact that they would like to see anyone do well for themselves, they all think he is a big soggy, welly-sized CUNT who steals material and can only manage hack material of his own. They regularly complain that he gets most of his material from Bob Hope websites and his sucess is only down to his northern banter with the crowd and saying 'Thats mad that' at the end of every one of his jokes. He is regularly ignored in dressing rooms and green rooms across the English speaking world.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 12:41 pm 
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Most Pointless Edinburgh Show Ever

Bibby Fun (43, ‘Comedy Gynaecologist’ from Penge) had done a total of 3 and ½ shows (the ½ was when he was stretchered off a gong show whilst fiddling with the mic due to a piece of flying masonry thrown by an irate punter) when he decided that he was ready for his one-man Edinburgh debut.

He was undaunted by the fact that the bank refused to loan him the money on the basis that ‘This proposal is as financially ruinous as a Third World dictator on a trolley dash’. He persevered even when Ocean Finance laughed down the phone at him then hung up. He eventually raised the necessary funds from ‘Bermondsey Dave’, a loan alligator that offered money-lending services with an uncompetitive interest rate of 300% per day.

Bibby may not have needed to raise quite so much cash had he not hired a 600-seater theatre for the entire Festival month, but he would not be swerved from his assertion that ‘The more seats, the more punters. Common sense, that is’. Even the fact that the venue would have to be 147% full for the entire run to recoup costs did not deter him.

Unfortunately, raising the finances rather ate into his schedule for writing material and as a result, his 1 hour show was written on the back of a sandwich bag on the train to Edinburgh. This was drawn from his medical background and was called ‘Aren’t Fannies Funny?’. The main theme of the show was a history of all the female genitalia he’d seen in his career, backed up with medical records he’d ‘borrowed’ for the show. The BMA hearing was yet to come.

As poor as a church mouse with a Faberge Egg addiction, Bibby could only afford to print one flyer. He got around this by asking any passers-by he managed to stop to write down the details themselves. He came to know the phrase ‘You takin’ the f**kin’ piss, pal?’ very well.

He was encouraged by the first evening’s turnout – 7 people – even thought they left once it stopped raining. This, however, was to be his largest audience. Toward the end of the run, he could not muster the energy to actually arrive at the theatre, preferring to perform the show over the telephone that was set up on speakerphone on stage. Thus he set the record for the smallest ever Fringe audience (minus 1).

The reviews were less than favourable, and several critics were investigated by the police for death threats.
This was to be the end of Bibby’s comedy career, as Bermondsey Dave felt that Bibby’s offer of a ‘Two-For-One’ voucher for Edinburgh Pizza Hut was insufficient to cover the £325,000 debt he had amassed. Bibby can now be found as a support act for the Dartford Bridge

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 10:00 am 
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THE MOST RIGGED COMPETITION EVER

The world's most rigged comedy competition was
"Stand Up Staffordshire" - a contest for both new and established comedians held at the Tamworth Assembly Rooms on 15th June 2003.

Funded by the Arts and Recreation department of Staffordshire County Council, the competion was eventually won by Mayoress Brenda Tunnicliffe (born 31st January 1939,
Fazeley, Nr Tamworth Staffordshire). The night, which was compered by Tunnicliffe's husband, Lt Colonel Mayor George
Tunnicliffe M.A (Ret'd) (born 3rd November 1928 Maidenhead, Berkshire) involved some of the finest comedians from the Comedy circuit. Competing with Tunnicliffe that night were ten other comedians: Daniel Kitson, Adam Hills, Reginald D.Hunter, Ross Noble, Jasper Carrott, Billy Connolly, Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor and Spikey Mike.

Much to the dismay of the audience who wanted to be involved in the decision and result, George Tunnicliffe recruited a network of his friends and colleagues on the judging panel: These included the Tunnicliffe's son - Nigel, Brenda's tennis partner Audrey Shuttleworth, Local magistrate Henry Wootton, Stafforshire Police Commander Charles Booth, Local businessman and freemason Joseph Wright, The editor of the Tamworth Herald and Tunnicliffe's next door neighbour Colin Davies and local celebrity Jas Mann (lead singer of 1990's space rockers Babylon Zoo). Mann that week had applied for an interest-free, council funded business development grant to Mayor Tunnicliffe to open a new recording studio in Tamworth.

When arriving at the venue, the comedians were refused entrance to the dressing room, that was reserved for the judges and their immediate family - the comics had to use the stock room (apart from Brenda Tunnicliffe who was allowed in the dressing room as she was 'family' to one of the judges). This left the other comedians in a poorly-lit, unheated, 10 x 8 stock cupboard rehearsing their routine whilst sitting on unopened crates of Indian tonic water. When the running order was drawn Tunnicliffe was lucky to draw the 5th spot (First on after the beer break).

Because of the high turnover of acts that night - every act was limited to five minutes of stagetime. Therefore the Bantermeisters such as Noble and Kitson opted for the straight chat-free stand up with maximum gags. Kitson, Noble, Carrott, Hunter and Hills certainly gived the crowd what they wanted in the first half - It was very much "all to play for" - the crowds rapturous laughter and applause could be heard in neighbouring towns, villages and even down the local coal mine. The local police were called twice and told the venue to 'keep the noise down' - such laughter hadn't been heard in years in Tamworth ever since the "To the Manor Born" christmas special was shown in December 1983.

During the interval, the judges disqualified Kitson for overunning by 0.8 seconds and in the second half, Mayor Tunnicliffe introduced his wife, using and air of nepotism by saying "the finest comedy discovery in the last fifty years" - Brenda Tunnicliffe then walked on stage with a book of "100 Great pub jokes" in her hand. Over the next hour she read 28 Englishman, Irishman and Scotsmen jokes and seventy three one liners. The audience were not impressed by the lack of original material and both booed her and slow handclapped off her to remove her from the stage. Luckily for Tunnicliffe this didn't knock her confidence as the audiences negative vibes was drowned out by the delighted laughter and applause from all seven judges seated at the rear of the stage and the 187 guests who were sandwiched into the dressing room, listening to Tunnicliffes routine on a tannoy. When she left the stage 62 minutes later she was told that she would'nt be disqualified as "the judges were so impressed with her style of humour that they simply couldn't disqualify her....". When Kitson's agent questioned with Tunnicliffes son that he was disqualified because of overunning and his mother hadn't Nigel Tunnicliffe lamely replied: "erm....Oh whatever"

The remaining acts of Pryor, Connolly, Martin, Williams and Spikey all performed mindblowing sets based around Saturday Night Live classic material, Catholic upbringings, Being arrested by the police and Hazard Lights on cars. They all stuck to their allotted time of five minutes and after the comedians had all performed, the bar opened and Mayor Tunnicliffe would say that the new comedian would be crowned in fifteen minutes.

When the audience took their place back in the auditorium, Mayor Tunnicliffe asked the geriatric drummer to prepare a drum role to build tension and excitement whilst he opened the gold envelope with the "Tamworth Comedian of the Year 2004" - all the comedians bar Kitson were invited onto the stage with the judges. "And the winner is...............Brenda
Tunnicliffe!!!!". On this announcement a sea of concert theatre programmes were thrown towards the stage in disgust and every single audience member exited the theatre shouting "FUCKING FIX", "CROOK" and "SHE WAS SHIT" at Mayor Tunnicliffe. The newly crowned comedy god was'nt worried as she ignored the other acts and then retired to the dressing room where "BRENDA TUNNICLIFFE - COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR 2003" was painted by a local artist three weeks before on the main wall. It was a very affluent prize and she was lucky to win the Lord Mayors £500k fishing lodge where she and her husband was already living, freedom to the Town of Tamworth, and an unitemised, unmonitored and unaudited expense account at Staffordshire County Council for the next thirty years. A local artist designed a 200k scuptor of Brenda reading from a jokebook which can be seen displayed in a fountain in the Town Sqaure.

Tunnicliffe was lucky in that she had only performed at two comedy nights in her career and she had a 100% success rate. She previously triumphed at Stand Up Berkshire Competition at The Berni Inn, Reading in 1977 - beating Eric Morecambe, Peter Sellers, Spike Milligan, Kenneth Williams, Bob Monkhouse, Frankie Howerd, Benny Hill and Groucho Marx - claiming the £250 prize, a lifetimes supply of Watneys Red Barrell and a brand new Triumph TR7.

She maintained this record until January 2004 when she was knocked out of the first round of the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year competition at Liberties Bar, Camden Town- being booed off stage after twenty-eight seconds. Everyone in the venue laughed at her humiliation and on her walk back to the tube station, she was approached by several homeless people on Camden High Street. Every one of them offered her money so she could pop to Waterstones and buy that Greg Dean book.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 2:13 pm 
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Most Hostile Crowd

As part of its rehabilitation program, Belmarsh Prison decided to host a series of entertainments. Undeterred by what became known as the ‘Bolshoi Ballet Unpleasantness’, they ploughed ahead with their inaugural ‘Belmarsh Chuckle Club’ night, a mere two days after the hunger-strike induced riot. The fire that broke out during the riot wiped out the prison’s medical supplies, but the comics were assured that the psychotropic drugs necessary for the inmates mental wellbeing were due to arrive tomorrow.

Mindful of the safety of the performers, the armed guards lined the back of the stage. Dazzled by the bright lights, they thought it best to have the most dangerous inmates in the front row, where they could see them.

The gig started late, as the guards had to beat unconscious one inmate ‘Old Timer’ for walking across the stage. The guards were keen not to show favouritism, and were not swayed by the fact that ‘Old Timer’ was well-loved amongst the prison population.

After three hours of sitting on wooden chairs in the unheated hall, the gig was underway.

The first act was a brave choice, deciding as he did to tackle the issues of his upper-class upbringing and open homosexuality through the medium of Edith Piaf songs. Twelve cans of CS spray later, the audience were ready for the next performer.

A rough & ready East End comic may have seemed the perfect way to calm the audience down. His opening monologue about how Ronnie Kray was a w*nker was, in retrospect, a bad idea.

The third act had, in the words of ‘Screaming Ray Pervert’, a “pretty mouth’. It is believed he still dwells within the bowels of the prison. This is ironic, as Screaming Ray frequently resides within his bowels.

Perhaps a female act could grab their attention. Not if the act is Lorraine Beer, a radical feminist act whose constant references to castration and the male hegemony went over their heads. As did she, via a plate-glass window.

The gig finally descended into chaos when the final comic, a drag act, reminded at least seventeen inmates of their mother. He is still registered missing.


Despite the debacle that was the first ‘Belmarsh Chuckle Club’, the prison switchboard was flooded the next day by 40 open-spots asking if they could do a five.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 8:59 pm 
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PsychoDave wrote:
Here's a question:
what is the least amount of open spots a new comedian has done before getting his or her first paid twenty?


I got paid for my third gig ever (which wasn't long ago). Mind you it was over 300 miles away in far north scotland, a place called thurso where the people either work in the local nuclear reactor or they catch three eyed fish, so there had to be a bit of incentive.
Oh yeah and I was only meant to do ten but I was slaying them with my hilarious material on people from wick (i read on the net how thurso hates wick vice versa), and I'd gone all that way so I thought "fuck it I'll keep goin". The promoter was a little peeved but he's over it now.
Oh yeah. And it was only 30 squid (plus travel, accomm, food). Still, better than a poke in the eye with a stick, and valuable experience in the humor of inbreds:twisted:

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 1:50 pm 
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Iwas at that gig, it's all true!


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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 1:38 am 
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Same, 3rd comedy gig paid.

I only travelled 2 miles but it was no success story.

A spectacular death as various punters outrage reached epic proportion. I said something sucked and a large crop headed women stood up and shouted "so does your material" and stormed out. She was followed by 3 friends at which point Lovegrove almost fell off his seat laughing and I, adoring open mic, took this as a signal to go 'harder'.

Was some months before the next paid gig..... :lol:

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 2:26 pm 
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Nothing to add to this thread, but I thought I'd bounce it back up in case anyone who joined in the last 18 months hasn't seen it. Well worth I read I thought.

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