Tell us a joke then!

[Ant Hill]

I know a lot of us will probably get asked this when we tell people we perform comedy: TELL US A JOKE THEN! I want to respond kindly but I'm never sure what to say. Please does anyone have any advice?
_________________
"It's a Knockout" Droitwich Comedy Club Winner 2012

[spikymike]

"Come to one of my shows then and I will!"
_________________
Funhouse Comedy Clubs in Nottingham, Derby, Grantham, Lincoln, Burton, Ashby, Tamworth, Loughborough, Eastwood and Leicester. Best Midlands Club, Chortle 2006 and 2008 Awards http://www.funhousecomedy.co.uk
http://www.myspace.com/funhouse_comedy

[Roy]

How about "Sorry, but I couldn't possibly compete with your hair stylist"?

[Paul Savage speaks Easy]

How about writing one? It never works, but it's a useful challenge

[mightyjoe bromehead]

Do the aristocrats joke. If you don't know what it is google doug stanhope aristocrats for a good example

[Roy]

Why not have a couple of absolute crackers that never fail and tell one or both of them? I always did - if you're a comedian why the reluctance to tell a joke anyway?

[burybob]

You could always tell them a joke...

Usually, I'll ask what they do for a living, then tell them a joke related to their particular trade/industry/government benefit
_________________
Burybob.com
Burybob Blog

[Ant Hill]

Thanks all for your suggestions and pointers. The best quick joke I've been offered is this (I don't know the orginal source):

Q. What's the difference between a man and tree?

A. One's a man and one's a tree.

I personally prefer Alexi Sayle's:

Q How many anti-climaxes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Four

But maybe it's a bit too abstract.
_________________
"It's a Knockout" Droitwich Comedy Club Winner 2012

[Paul Savage speaks Easy]

nah, go for proper jokes. The people who ask are the people who don't like any of that clever comedy, in my experience.

[Roy]

That's right, and for fucks sake don't do any Stewart Lee type stuff - hardly anybody thinks that his stuffs funny.

Here's one I'm particularly fond of at the moment that you could use - and so far has never failed to get a good laugh. It was texted so it's already out there:-

A father comes home from work and notices his son is looking really pissed off.
"What's the matter lad?"
"I've been kicked out of school dad."
"What for?"
"I got a girl in my class to wank me off"
"Bloody hell son - that's the third school you've been kicked out of for that trick - are you sure teaching's for you...?"

[john elson]

In my observation over many years, and watching hundreds of acts, when people shout "Tell us a joke" what they are really saying is "you are not funny". That particular heckle usually arises when the act is not going well and failing to connect with the audience. So, like many heckles, it acts as a barometer of how well your set is going.

[Arthur Daley]

Sod off
_________________
http://www.pearshapedcomedy.com

You dont get what you deserve
You get what you negotiate

[Colin Harris]

Ant... make sure you always carry a bottle of vinegar, salt, can of anchovies with you... admittedly it's more of a visual gag.... and it's not exactly a one liner.... but.... it's comedy gold.
_________________
Colin Harris

[Ant Hill]

Ant... make sure you always carry a bottle of vinegar, salt, can of anchovies with you... admittedly it's more of a visual gag.... and it's not exactly a one liner.... but.... it's comedy gold.


_________________
"It's a Knockout" Droitwich Comedy Club Winner 2012

[BenP]

Personally i just hit them with a pun or something simple that most people would get.

It's even worse when they tell me a joke which is usually some shit joke someone text them that is copied off a web site.