Put downs - Best heckle put-downs you've heard

[garwboy]

Managed a rather unique put down recently, probably only works for me or people with similar working backgrounds.

Some drunk twat at a gig decided that he was the reason people were there and interrupted every chance he got, despite the number of times he was put down by other acts. Same with me, he just wouldn't leave it alone.
Mid-set, I just looked downcast, and started explaining that the reason I did comedy at all was becauseof my old job, where I used to embalm corpses for a medical school. I explained in great depth that it was so morbid and depressing that I had to do something, anything to stave off depression and tried comedy as a last resort. It kept me going, and eventually I got a proper job that I enjoy doing, and I've never looked back.
By now the atmosphere is quite tense, as they're watching what appears to be a broken man pour his heart out to them. After explaining the situation, I summed up thus.

"When I left, I was so relieved, so pleased that I'd never have to handle another corpse again. [turn to heckler] But in all honesty mate, if it was yours, I'd happily go back to work"

Not particularly funny, but did the job.
_________________
South Wales' Best Stand-Up comedy Neuroscientist (at the moment)

http://sciencedigestive.blogspot.com/

@garwboy

[Janey2]

Sounds like there might be some sort of racist innuendo in that, my married into an indian friend (and by the way, was that the nuke indians or the casino indians?).

You know I like about your posts, Garboy?

Nothing.

[timewins]

best heckle I've had....

You're a cunt and you're shit.

Weston Super Mare, My dads stag do, I was very drunk and hecking him from the stage as much as he me. Hard times.
_________________
Comedy Knight

[garwboy]

[telbanham]

There was a group of around 20 middle aged women on a mates 50th who were dominating the room until Dan Nightingale graced the stage. All through the night one woman was standing up shouting things in various languages. Amusing at first this does get tiresome. Dan immediatley comes on stage she does it again and "Look love you might be able to talk in loads of exotic languages but your still rough, shut up" Gold!
_________________
I know what your thinking!

What sort of a name is Tel Banham.....

[321john]

sit down fat boy

[ktg]

dunno who this was, got it on the hear say, but apparently some guy was doing a bit on midgets, and disgruntled audience member had a go, cuz his dad was a midget and the guy was being mean. so comic says, yeah whatever, my dad's bigger than your dad.
_________________
at/with...whatever.

[Corylus]

[Janey2]

Janey2 posted:

You know what I like about your posts, Garboy?

Nothing."

(which is a midlng to fairly good heckle, but not to Gretta Garboy)


GBoy posted:

"Considering that this is the best heckles/put-downs thread, that's an alarmingly weak response"


Janey2 advises (sagely): Gretta Boy, you're accessing the wrong part of your brain. This isn't rocket surgery. Save the long boring desciptive stories for your diary.

Gretta Garboy takes said sage advice to heart. The following day:

Garboy's Diary, Day 1: Me was working at the mortuary. It was lunchtime. Me Mummy had packed me a nice lunch that day. It was in a brown paper bag.

Suddenly, one of the corpses came to life and said: "Your mummy makes you lunch in a brown bag?"

Whereupon I punched the zombie in his gaping pie hole and shouted: Racist!

The end, by Gretta Garboy

Gretta's Diary addendum: Later that week me stood on a stage espousing purposfully un alarmingly un weak diatribe to a rather youthful audience.

A couple of stoned univeristy students found me profound, and afterwards me and them went out for a pint and spent the night discussing Barak Obama and anal sex.

[Janey2]

--Janey2 posted:

You know what I like about your posts, Garboy?

Nothing."

(which is a midlng to fairly good heckle, but not to Gretta Garboy)


GBoy posted:

"Considering that this is the best heckles/put-downs thread, that's an alarmingly weak response"


Janey2 advises (sagely): Gretta Boy, you're accessing the wrong part of your brain. This isn't rocket surgery. Save the long boring desciptive stories for your diary.

Gretta Garboy takes said sage advice to heart. The following day:

Garboy's Diary, Day 1: Me was working at the mortuary. It was lunchtime. Me Mummy had packed me a nice lunch that day. It was in a brown paper bag.

Suddenly, one of the corpses came to life and said: "Your mummy makes you lunch in a brown bag?"

Whereupon I punched the zombie in his gaping pie hole and shouted: Racist!

The end, by Gretta Garboy

Gretta's Diary addendum: Later that week me stood on a stage espousing purposfully un alarmingly un weak diatribe to a rather youthful audience.

A couple of stoned univeristy students found me profound, and afterwards me and them went out for a pint and spent the night discussing Barak Obama and anal sex.

[Janey2]

Janey2 posted:

You know what I like about your posts, Garboy?

Nothing."

(which is a midlng to fairly good heckle, but not to Gretta Garboy)


GBoy posted:

"Considering that this is the best heckles/put-downs thread, that's an alarmingly weak response"


Janey2 advises (sagely): Gretta Boy, you're accessing the wrong part of your brain. This isn't rocket surgery. Save the long boring desciptive stories for your diary.

Gretta Garboy takes said sage advice to heart. The following day:

Garboy's Diary, Day 1: Me was working at the mortuary. It was lunchtime. Me Mummy had packed me a nice lunch that day. It was in a brown paper bag.

Suddenly, one of the corpses came to life and said: "Your mummy makes you lunch in a brown bag?"

Whereupon I punched the zombie in his gaping pie hole and shouted: You racist! Bags should be judged by their ability to hold and not by their color!!

The end, by Gretta Garboy

Gretta's Diary addendum: Later that week me stood on a stage espousing purposfully an unalarmingly unweak resposive diatribe to a rather youthful audience.

A couple of stoned univeristy students found me profound, and afterwards me and them went out for a pint and spent the night discussing Barak Obama, the American Democratic Party, and anal sex.

[garwboy]

Fair play, that is almost 100% true. Except the students weren't stoned, they were on Ketamine. Not sure if that's the same thing.

I love you Janey2, don't ever change.
_________________
South Wales' Best Stand-Up comedy Neuroscientist (at the moment)

http://sciencedigestive.blogspot.com/

@garwboy

[Janey2]

Man must change, or risk going backwards by standing still.

Like us Americans, who by virtue of having relocated, that is, picking up and leaving the proverbial primordial swamp, evolved.

Whilst you Brits, by staying forever in the same place, same lands, with your king and queens (of which the latter there seem to be more than ever before), have remained totally unchanged after hundreds and hundreds of years - much like Joan Collins' face.

[Graeme Casey]

I love the way in which Americans think that they are either better or greater now than we used to be. It would be all the more convincing if it weren't for China tapping america on the shoulder and asking to cut in.

Just a shame you're not a septic.

If you are then who is your country named after?

[Janey2]

...speaking of queens...

The Graham Casey Cone - plain vanilla, with a splattering of carrot on top (preferred by homosexuals, three to one)