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Joined: 17 Oct 2007
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 Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 1:45 pm Post subject: Turning pro: The masters class for fledgling comics |
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Adam Henderson offers more advice
| Quote: | It was only five months ago that I felt it necessary to put together a bullet-proof guide for a fledging newbie to ascend to the throne of the comedy world. January can be a tough month to get gigs following the post-Christmas comedown, so don’t worry fellow open spotter/newbie/shit on the shoe, I will help you fill up your diary with a few helpful pointers.
By now you might have amassed 50 gigs and most of you will be wondering why you’ve not been offered paid work from the promoters you’ve gigged for. Remember that promoters are as reliable as a used tampon, only with more blood on their hands. They are holding you back and they are all ungrateful despite you making the 20 minute trip in your car in the rain, just to help them out on their pro bill, meaning you missed the highlights of the first round of the FA Cup on the BBC. Your act is flawless now, and you always get laughs from the other open spotters, even when you have a retarded crowd in who are too stupid to get the irony of your rape and aped jokes. Therefore you need to look at other ways of increasing your exposure.
Anyone who tells you to work on your act is just jealous they didn’t think of your jokes first. If they tell you that ‘no matter how many sparkly ribbons you put round a dog turd, it still stinks of shit’ tell them that getting dog shit in the eyes can blind children then spit in their face.
Technology
Create a website and never update it. Make sure you are honest about your flawless material and just how well you’ve done in such little time. Upload lots of photos of you in comedic or thoughtful poses. Create PDF files of posters you’ve been listed on. Remember your fan base will want to download them to feel close to you the star.
Print out 500 business cards. Attend pro bill nights and hand out your business card to the punters. Talk really loudly into your mobile when in ear shot of the promoter. Should an act be on stage, make sure he can hear as well. After all he may book for gigs and your conversation telling the Comedy Store that ‘you couldn’t possibly do a headline slot this Saturday as you’re already booked to do the Montreal festival’ will surely impress all in the room.
Using quotes
Are you using the right quotes? Professional endorsements will elevate you up the ladder many rungs. Make sure you make reference to dead comedians as a dead person can’t sue you. Something like ‘The Welsh Bill Hicks’ should have you signed up for spots on Have I Got News For You and QI in a matter of weeks. Hell, why not take it further and use ‘The best comedian since Lee Evans’, credited to a headliner comedian. Fuck it, go bigger, say Steve Coogan said it. Remember you need to gazump your fellow open spotter. ‘This man told a joke that cured AIDS’ –Barack Obama. This one is mine and you can’t use it.
Using Chortle
First off you’ll need to introduce yourself to the forum but you don’t want to look like a clueless newbie, therefore post about another open spot comedian friend in the comedian section. This way you’ll look like a seasoned pro, recommending a great new act. Then get your friend to return the favour. After much mutual cock rubbing, back slapping, and in-jokes promoters will be desperately fighting over who has priority over booking you.
Should a newbie post asking for advice about his upcoming first gig make sure to tell him to include lots or peado and rape jokes. If a newbie posts a video of themself make sure you offer advice. Something along the lines of ‘I like the set up but I think you should change the punchline of the joke to “and then I raped her…in the arse…with a cactus’”.
Asking for gigs
If you’ve followed my previous points then you shouldn’t really need to be asking for gigs. However, if you do have a hole in your diary it’s always best to approach the promoter via phone late at night or early in the morning especially at weekends.
Should you need to write an email make sure you write using text speech. It will show that you are cool and know how to embrace youth culture. For example instead of ‘Good Afternoon’ use ‘Sup homes’. Remember that you are doing the promoter a favour so remind them that you are looking for paid work and have a solid hour and a half of gold material. Tell them that you want to headline and will require a hotel if the venue is more than 30 minutes away from home and you demand full access to the minibar. It will be helpful to badmouth other promoters and forward on correspondence you’ve had with other promoters mocking the generous offers you have been made previously. Include a 3 -minute video clip as well, or a show reel including clips of you performing in front of a mirror. This will show how much range you have to your repertoire.
Tread carefully and be forceful. It’s a well known fact that promoters are aggressive solitary animals, much like polar bears. And just like polar bears when confronted with a lone female and child, the promoter will kill the child and mate with the female.
CV writing
Often promoters will read your comedy CV before offering spots. To make it look more impressive here’s an estate agent’s approach to language;
So you’ve been lucky once or twice to get on a pro bill as the open spot. Don’t say you shared the bill with the headline; you opened/supported the headliner.
If you’ve been unsuccessful getting on pro bills, create an open mic night and pay a headliner. Host the night yourself, therefore you can now add experienced MC to you list.
If you’ve been the last act on an open mic night or a competition, then technically you’ve headlined the evening. Make sure to mention you’ve headlined gigs.
A promoter may have previously given you money towards petrol or a beer. This is a form of payment for services rendered. Therefore claim it as a paid gig. See, it’s already looking healthier.
In next to no time you’ll be quitting your job and taking up comedy full time with a diary full of bookings. It’s easy when you know how!
Adam Henderson is currently looking to fill up his diary for 2011. All offers welcomed. His blog is here
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http://www.chortle.co.uk/correspondents/2010/12/31/12478/turning_pro%3A_the_masters_class_for_fledgling_comics
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Ignacio
Joined: 22 Oct 2010
Posts: 67
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| Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. Full of vitriol.
Don't know if anyone's read Rob Long's book, "Set Up, Joke, Set Up, Joke", but there's a terrific moment when he pitches the idea of a show to his boss, which features a character based on his boss. The character is a hideous interpretation of a person Rob really doesn't have a lot of respect for and hilarity ensues when Rob begins to panic about whether or not said person will realise he's the comic fodder.
Rob decides - post awkwardness - that people rarely see when they're being mocked in such a manner.
I don't think anyone you've attacked in your post is going to struggle to figure out which portion of it is based on them. I'd love to dispel what you think my intentions have been when posting about a fellow comedian on Chortle, but I'll reserve that for when I see you personally... or you know, become a correspondant on Chortle and write about it for everyone to read, that should've been on your list of tips, Adam.
Aside from my reservations, quite well written and I smiled a couple of times when reading it. So well done for that.
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Ignacio Lopez
Half Spanish, Half Welsh, All Funny.
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adam henderson
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Posts: 154
Location: cardiff
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| Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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don't worry ig, a lot of what i wrote resonates with the errors and faux pas's i made when starting out dur to over excitedness, a desire to please, and a narrowminded view that i could get there only listening to myself and recently i've seen others starting to commit these same errors.
what i've learnt this past year is that chortle is an excellent place to find words of wisdom.
From when i started there quite a few ppl i owe a lot to and who have been constructive, approachable, and forgiving of the errors i made when still wet behind the ears. Ppl like Matt Price, Ashley Frieze, Bethany Black, even Roy's alternative opinion (and fantastic stories) make chortle what it is. These ppl are/have been sucessful for a reason. On a personal level it irritates when ppl start throwing their weight about advertising their availability based solely on gigs done. similarly, it doesn't matter how many inches you're cock is, it doesn't make you the world's greatest lover. We're open spots, it's our job to chase the gigs, not to let the gigs chase us.
there's little in there directed at anyone in particular.
I could blame it on the week from hell i've endued and the need to vent, or maybe it's the fact that the thing that what pisses me off most is that no one considered themselves a big enough mate to post in the comedians section bigging me up!
happy new yr!
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Hippyofthe3rdreich
Joined: 05 Jan 2011
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:21 pm Post subject: Hey pipsqueek, for the record - my cock is tiny |
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You seem to have taken umbradge with me sir - Simon Emmanuel pointed me at your Chortle thingy, so I thought i'd clear a few things up for you.
Benjamin Jenkins "The Best Comic Since Lee Evans" - I figure Dan Antopolski isnt a fan of Lee Evans - that quote is like an injoke  Your a comedian, i would have thought you'd have got that - Dan Antopolski is all about wordplay, Lee Evans is all about physicality(maybe your not in the right business?).
"The Welsh Bill Hicks" - was 1st said by Greg Rogers, the guy who runs the Grand Theatre Comedy Club. I dont control what he says.
Here's another quote i got from that night -
"Well well, what can I say. Nice clever writing and a well paced and confident delivery. Great stagecraft for such a young chap! The Swansea Grand crowd had another top notch comedy night  " - Phil Evans(Welsh Stand Up)
Im glad i've inspired you anyway fella. Good luck. Im sure the silly fat man loves it and will now give you a slot on his stage - funny that, i'll still be getting you gigs in absentia
A tip? Spend a bit more effort being funny and a little less being a dick,and maybe you'll make some money. Till that happens - which will be, by my calculations roughly 5 minutes after hell freezes over - good luck - you'll need it from what i can remember
tarra
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adam henderson
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Posts: 154
Location: cardiff
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| Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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welcome to the forums Mr Ben Jenkins, i'm sure your sickipedia stolen jokes will do well here. shame you removed the youtube clip.
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